Soup of Dissonant Narratives

Today I am being brought low. I am failing in my attempt to swim in the soup of dissonant narratives that shape the space into which I move and grow. The belief that my body peaked at 25, and that therefore I have peaked. And yet I need to keep on trying, achieving, progressing towards self-actualisation despite the fact that this is futile because I have been sliding inexorably from my peak for 21 years.  My body at 25 was very unhappy so that seems like a real fucking shame, that my peak was wasted on deep depression, always kicking for the surface but never escaping the cloying gloop. Any minute now I will fall off this cliff I have climbed, into a bubbling swamp of hormonal instability that will rip my sense of self from me and rob me of yet more desirable qualities. My brain will fog, my skin will burn, I will grow yet more hairs on my chinny chin chin, I will turn into an apple, I will cease to bleed and will become desiccated. Dry. Barren.

Shit

We have been told that buying the right formula lotions and taking the right concentration of vitamins will delay the signs of aging. We are told that if we replace our lost estrogen we can cling on to a few more years of satisfactory womanhood. How many nuns are on HRT I wonder? 

Are you checking your breasts enough? That is important. They were once the thing you were told mattered the most to the external world, but now no one wants to play with them anymore and they are ticking timebombs of pathological risk. Are you checking them a few times a week in the shower to see whether they are going to kill you? Are you wondering what effect this has on your mental health, being told to remain vigilant for the early signs of impending death? Early detection is important. This is on you now. Do you feel ok? 

Are you looking at the younger partners of your friends and wondering when you will be traded in? Were you already traded in years ago by an older partner because he likes young and not just younger women. Are you wondering what effect this has on your mental health? That you have been losing the only fight that mattered most of your life and that you have accepted this? That your diminishing worth has been normalised?

Are you constantly told that you are losing something that you never thought you had in the first place? Are you feeling disorientated by the fact that you actually feel better, stronger, sharper, more capable, less reactive, more empathetic, cooler, calmer, more collected …. And yet how can this be? You are in decline, it is all going wrong – isn’t it?